| For the Parents who feel like giving up
Jarrod here, just a few quick thoughts on managing perspective with frustrating and repetitive challenges in parenting. This is more about mindset than specific solution. Take a read!
The challenging behavior happened again. You have been taking your kid to counseling, reading every article there is, scouring Facebook parent groups and online internet threads to try and figure out the problem. But the behavior just keeps HAPPENING. Over, and over, and over. The child therapist is telling you to be patient, they will make small steps over time. Family and friends say it is normal. “Give it time, they say.” Have consistent limits. Follow through on consequences. Stay calm. But the behavior does not improve. Despite your best efforts. So what do you do as a parent? How do you handle a situation that seems hopeless, repetitive, exhausting, disheartening?
Countless self help books write “prescriptions” on following these three steps, this four point plan, using so and so method here and there. And for many families, these strategies are effective, progress is made, behavior improves, life gets back on track.
But I am writing to the families who don’t see progress, despite their best efforts.
Most of us parents have a tendency to go to extremes to see if there can be a change. Withdraw love, shut off, stop trying, check out, passive aggressive behavior, attitude of “I just can’t anymore.”
The other extreme would be total lockdown, complete removal of anything and everything your kid loves, adores, aggressive, intense parenting, threats with actual follow through, “I won’t anymore.”
Here is something to consider: while parenting is generally a part of the solution, I would argue it is not the primary reason at times for the problem. Parents generally parent the same way for all their kids. But some kids do not respond, never have, never will respond to certain types of parenting. There are many cases where kids do not respond to very strong, consistent loving parenting due to their OWN stuff going on.
So think of it this way, parent, for the child who is not changing. See yourself more as part of helping your kid with solution focused goals versus blaming yourself for not doing enough as a parent. Change the narrative. Give yourself some emotional space. Practice a more neutral approach (if you can). Of course, remain consistent, assertive, firm, predictable and friendly. But know that some kids, despite your best efforts, will keep repeating the same behavior. Don’t blame yourself. |
